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View Full Version : Funeral Clothes - do they have to look like a uniform?


Stephanie Allen
02-24-2006, 07:35 AM
My mother died on Wednesday. For her funeral, I am going to wear my kilt which is her mother's tartan. I also have a deress sporran that was made from her mink coat. Both these things are really sentimental, and my mum would expect me to wear my kilt. The problem is, I don't want it to look like a uniform with a jacket and tie. I have a nice white blouse that I can wear, and I think it looks nice, but not formal like a jacket and tie would be.

I think I am looking for justification for what I am inclined to wear or practical solutions that I can achieve quickly (I will be away at the visitations all day and the funeral is tomorrow - not much time for shopping).

Thanks... and I am sorry if this was rambling... I have had a bad week.

legwyn
02-24-2006, 07:50 AM
Dear Stephanie,
Please accept my sympathy for your loss. I went through losing my mom 3 years ago this week. My thoughts and prayers are with your family.

As far as what to wear, check out this post from last week.
http://www.bobdunsire.com/cgi-bin/ubb/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=38;t=000236

Here is a sight with blouses
http://www.scottishlion.com/blandve.html

Best wishes,
Lee

Macswegan
02-24-2006, 07:58 AM
I am also sorry for your loss. I think that you should wear whatever you want. Wearing your grandmother's tartan sounds like a lovely idea, and I don't see any reason to show up in full uniform.

ladypiper47
02-24-2006, 08:19 AM
So sorry to hear about your mother. I wore my tartan to my father's funeral, and put my full dress plaid across his coffin.

The dressy blouse is appropriate but the sporran sounds like it will be out of place in a 'feminized' kilt. (If there is such a word). Can you carry the sporran like a purse? What ever you do will be right because it will feel okay to you.

Linz
02-24-2006, 10:10 AM
I'm so sorry about your Mom. I lost mine in October. We didn't have a funeral, because she didn't want one. Instead, we held a family memorial at the farm where she'd grown up. I'm not a piper yet, but I managed to get through most of Amazing Grace. I'd never played for her when she was alive, she had Altzheimers and loud noises scared her, but after she was gone, well, I guess she'd have understood.
The kilt is a fine idea, it shows you honor and respect her. For the rest, just be comfortable, and you'll be fine.

windsaloft
02-24-2006, 08:39 PM
Echoing the rest of the gang --- deepest sympathies, and your heart is so in the right place. It is your mom, your family, your traditions, and your gifts to yourself, your mom's memories, and your broader family with whom you will be sharing your love and your memories --- the "send off" is for you all, and I'd absolutely and totally endorse YOU doing what YOU think feels right and comfortable for the service. You're not there to please convention, but to give your gift to the ceremony and celebrate her life and memory. With no disrespect to anyone intended, but two such wonderful gifts that are from and for your mom -- wear them, wear the white shirt -- make the look that works for you and the family.

Sorry -- rambling -- prayers and thoughts with you.

Terri

MacDhughaill
02-25-2006, 11:20 AM
Sorry for your loss. Why not wear a sweater with the kilt? Perhaps something that will match your kilt? That would be nice, neat and not uniform like.

Shaka
02-26-2006, 04:13 PM
Originally posted by Stephanie Allen:
Thanks... and I am sorry if this was rambling... I have had a bad week. Stephanie, you have my utmost and heartfelt empathy with the passing of your beloved mom. I don't know enough to offer any advice, but wanted you to know that we care...been there,albeit many years ago now. You and yours will be in my thoughts and prayers....

shaka

Tartaniac
02-28-2006, 10:20 AM
Yes.... what they ^ said.

Even when expected, losing a mom is a most terrible loss. I send my prayers for your strength and peace, and my sincere condolences.

When I play at funerals, I do the uniform outfit. But when I go "feminine" kilted, I skip the sporran and wide belt. I have a blouse with an irish lace collar and wear that with a necklace and short-cut ladie's non-Scottish jacket or a solid color shawl. For dressy occasions, I wear hose and flat-ish black pumps. For casual, I wear black loafers and kneesocks.

But you know what, this is all for no one but you as you pay your respect to her. Only you can make these choices and it's no one's business to grade you on what you wear. Wear whatever feels right -- even if it seems mismatched -- it's for no one but you and her.

Meaning no disrespect, but we each have very personal attachments to our mothers. I believe my mother is expecting me to show up in red courdoroy pants with one leg pulled up, one sock falling down, my red Mary Janes, an few bandaids here and there, a plaid shirt and wild red hair that she would desperately want to comb. And no doubt, she'd expect me to be clutching a hand full of flowering weeds to lay on her casket. And she would know it was me, and smile down on me.

scarhandpiper
02-28-2006, 04:37 PM
Originally posted by Tartaniac:
I believe my mother is expecting me to show up in red courdoroy pants with one leg pulled up, one sock falling down, my red Mary Janes, an few bandaids here and there, a plaid shirt and wild red hair that she would desperately want to comb. And no doubt, she'd expect me to be clutching a hand full of flowering weeds to lay on her casket. And she would know it was me, and smile down on me. (I must not cry at work . . . I must not cry at work . . .) My Mom would feel the same way, I think. I'm so sorry you lost your Mom.

annecooke
02-28-2006, 07:00 PM
Dear Stephanie,

Just a message to say I'm thinking of you tomorrow. Best wishes through the ceremony and the entire day which is hopefully filled with memories of all the best times.

Once the weather is better I'll be back in Mt. Pleasant and I'll face west and play a tune for you both! :thumb:

Anne

Bannergirl
02-28-2006, 07:36 PM
Stephanie I am so sorry for your loss. I bet whatever you choose to wear will be just right.

My thoughts are with you.
Catherine

Stephanie Allen
03-01-2006, 06:59 PM
Thanks for all your comments and suggestions.

I decided to go with "the outfit I wore to Auntie Ruby's funeral" (in retrospect, I recall that this is what my mum asked me to wear to her funeral).

It was important for me to wear the sporran that was made from my grand-mother's coat (including her monogram), plus the kilt pin my mum bought for me on her trip to Scotland. The blouse on its own wasn't "dressy" enough, so I did wear a jacket and tie (the jacket without a tie looked odd). Plus I was a pallbearer and it was very cold on Saturday, so I was thankful for the jacket.

I took the jacket and tie off right after the service, so during the wake, I was very comfortably dressed, and for the service, I felt appropriately dressed (pretty-much the same as the 2 pipers and drummer). The one notable distinction was wearing red flashes with navy hose. My mum always liked a splash of colour (and she was a Habs fan so the red and blue were ok), so I added the red flashes and my brother wore a red tie and my other brother put on his red and black toque at about the same time I took my jacket off.

My plaid (her mother's tartan) was laid over the side of the casket and my mum was wearing her father's tartan in the form of a vest. The spray of flowers on the casket were white roses, heather and thistles... it was lovely (in as much as these things are).

I realised nobody would be judging me on what I was wearing, and dressed for me and my mum.

Thanks again for all your comments. It will take some getting used to "the new normal". It was exactly one week ago today... :(

Thanks, Anne. My mum would like that. She was fond of "Skye Boat Song", so if you are up for requests... :)

ChickaDee
03-01-2006, 07:30 PM
Stephanie,

I am very sorry for your loss.

What you described regarding the ceremony (and your attire) sounds lovely. While I'm sure your sadness is overwhelming, please take comfort in knowing you've honored your Mother's memory and wishes to the best of your ability. No parent could ask for more.

All the best,
Dee

Tartaniac
03-02-2006, 11:56 AM
Stephie: Sounds PERFECT! The fact that you took such care to think of doing it for her is inspiring. I pray that you are comforted in your loss. May God give you strength and peace as you move into a new place in your life.

xo
catherine

annecooke
03-02-2006, 12:14 PM
Skye Boat it is Stephanie.

I'll think of you and your mother, myself and my daughter, and play for Mothers and Daughters, rewarding and complicated relationships!

Thinking of you,

Anne

littletenor
03-13-2006, 12:25 PM
Sorry about your mom.
Uniform does look more formal though.

littletenor
03-13-2006, 12:27 PM
You are right ChickaDee,no parent could ask for more.<3