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Old 10-24-2004, 02:19 PM   #1
Andrew
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Default The Bride from Hell

Had an interesting wedding experience on the weekend, and I wonder if you folks think this is a normal result of bridal nerves. The bride made contact through our band web site six months ago and asked me to play an audition. First question on entering the house was "what colour is your kilt, and can it be changed to match the bridesmaids dresses?" Both the advance planning and the question brought the word 'anal' to mind. Then I find out she's a music major, and spends 10 minutes explaining the theoretical modulations of Highland Cathedral to me. She's also browbeating the husband-to-be to the point I want to take him aside and recommend jumping ship. Finally, she threatens that she'll "know immediately" if I'm out of tune. My price doubled during the conversation!

During the wedding rehearsal on Friday (for which she was 45 minutes late) I piped her down the aisle as planned. When she got to the front she complains loudly that I can't seem to pipe in a steady beat, and was throwing her walking off I'd also note that contrary to our e-mailed agreement, and a few reminders, she had not advanced the fee.

On the wedding day, I took the initiative to meet early with the organist to explain the practice the night before, since it involved some alternation between the pipes and the organ. Once we're all in place, she starts changing the order of play in a panic, and I'm calming everyone, recommending flexibility, etc. Naturally, there are some hicupps, and naturally things all work out in the end. (And this involved playing in the cold for 20 minutes, into the blazing heat of the church for 2 tunes, a 50 minute pause, then the recessional tune, all in damned good tuning if I do say so myself!) Afterward, when I've played for about 25 minutes in the cold air while the guests lingered, (and to be fair the parents of the bride complemented me on my playing) she comes up to me and asks just what the hell I'd said to the organist I collected my fee and ran for the car. Despite all, my only regret is for the poor guy she's now attached to.

Any good wedding stories from this past season out there?
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Old 10-24-2004, 02:23 PM   #2
Funkee Munkee
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Default Re: The Bride from Hell

I would have changed my kilt to match the wedding dresses as long as she was willing to pick up the tab. Yeah baby
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Old 10-24-2004, 02:32 PM   #3
redhairedpiper
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Default Re: The Bride from Hell

I'm giggling away here, because I am often referred to as a TCF (total control freak) but that was extreme even by MY standards!!! You are lucky to have made it out alive!! I think I would have (after the second reminder) respectfully declined. Good on you for seeing it through.
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Old 10-24-2004, 03:22 PM   #4
James Hopkins
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Default Re: The Bride from Hell

I played a wedding earlier this year where the bride contacted at least 18 mos. in advance. I gave her my usual shpiel and heard nothing. I figured the price was too high since she was a two-hour drive from St. Louis. Then, about 6 months before the date, she says she had "just" checked her email and would hire me and how much was the deposit? I said half the fee; again, I heard nothing. About a month before the wedding I get a check in the mail for half the fee. Either the mail is slow in southern Missouri or she doesn't check her email often. We agreed I would play the prelude and recessional only.

Her directions to the church were ass-backwards and the Mapquest map was wrong. Some local finally helped me out. When I got to the church, she was throwing up from nerves. In the middle of our initial conversation she had to dive for the bathroom to dry heave again. Some time over the course of the evening between rehearsal and her Big Day, the sound system in the church had quit working so all the Bach that was planned had now turned into *me*. However, my pipes were too loud in the church and annoyed both Grandmas; I was relegated outside and told to play every time the program listed music. Of course, outside I couldn't hear the wedding so I worked out a plan with one of the attendants to signal when to play and stop. I got outside but then couldn't see inside because the doors had some sort of UV coating on them. The minister wouldn't allow the doors to be opened because the church is on the main drag in town and traffic made too much noise. So the attendant would open the door a few inches and say "play!" and then do likewise with a throat-cutting motion (which was going through mind!!) to stop.

Halfway through the ceremony, a horse and carriage showed up to carry the couple to the reception--late of course because the directions were wrong and their cell phone wouldn't work once you drive off of the edge of the planet--and parked right next to where I was playing. They started hastily unloading the horse and I asked the Teamster if my pipes would spook the horse. I got one of those, “This horse?!” replies as if to imply Ole Scratch himself wouldn’t set the horse off.

Wedded bliss was announced, much applause ensued, and I lit into Bonnie Dundee and my other usual 6/8s for the recessional. I must have been worse than Ole Scratch because the horse FREAKED OUT (my pipes were sounding damn good, I must admit). He started kickin’, buckin’, and raising Hell-n-Jesus right there on the sidewalk. I stopped playing, the father of the bride says keep going, the Teamster says stop again! Everyone agreed it was best if I just stopped. I kept getting images in my mind of the horse from Animal House keeling over right there on Main Street and me having to gleefully dismember it with my skeen to get it off of the thoroughfare.

After that fiasco, I was asked to stick around for pictures. I waited and waited and waited (45 minutes) only to be told that the photographer “probably had enough” of me already. I was not pleased as I could have been nearly halfway home by then. I played at a few others this summer that were interesting but this was by far the most trying...definitely earned my pay.

I played at a wedding just yesterday where I was a surprise for the groom. I was “hidden” in the children’s nursery with all the 5-8 year olds who were playing before the ceremony. They all got pissed at each other—as kids do—and starting winging alphabet wooden blocks around. I was amazed how hard these kids were throwing them. I was kind of saying, “Hey, now, let’s settle down…” but didn’t want to get my ass chewed by some over protective mother. I was beaned in the sporran (VERY glad it was there) and left arm before Aunt so-and-so broke up the mêlée…then they were “perfect little angels”...good birth control that was…

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Old 10-24-2004, 04:01 PM   #5
redhairedpiper
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Default Re: The Bride from Hell

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!
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Old 10-24-2004, 04:05 PM   #6
grant.harbison
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Default Re: The Bride from Hell

These are great stories! Keep them coming!
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Old 10-24-2004, 04:21 PM   #7
Mary
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Default Re: The Bride from Hell

James, Were the children part of the ceremony or the congragation?
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Old 10-24-2004, 04:22 PM   #8
James Hopkins
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Default Re: The Bride from Hell

Quote:
Originally posted by Mary:
James, Were the children part of the ceremony or the congragation?
Ceremony. Dressed in their finest tuxes and little white lacey dresses!! Just to crawl around on the floor...
 
Old 10-24-2004, 06:21 PM   #9
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Default Re: The Bride from Hell

Re:

Andrew's "bride". May the Lord help their union. It sounds like they're gonna need him.

-NHH
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Old 10-24-2004, 06:26 PM   #10
Dave Gallagher
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Default Re: The Bride from Hell

Yikes, these stories make my wedding experiences seem tame and boring. And I'm glad.

Dave
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